Sunday, January 30, 2011

My mother is a goddamned MINDREADER

I still remember the first time I consciously chose to tell a lie.

My brother and I were fighting, I think I was maybe 4 or 5, which would have made him, like, 1 or 2. So he was super little. But he could talk. So maybe 2 and 5. He totally spoke in full sentences when he finally started to talk. In fact, his first sentence was "Whats 'at smell?" so technically his first sentence was a question and we were either driving by the doughnut factory or McDonald's, and I think it was doughnuts but when we told him what the smell was, the next thing he said was "Ah mant some" meaning "I want some" and my mom was all *blank stare* and I am pretty sure we got some doughnuts. Or McDonald's. Whichever.

Anyway, we were fighting in his bedroom and he must have been holding something I wanted because I remember slapping his hands to get him to let go and of course he let go but then he totally started screaming and went and told on me. Of course he did.

My mom and dad told me to come into the kitchen and asked: Did you hit your brother?

Now, I don't remember my thought process. I don't think I had a thought process. I just answered: "No!"

Mom: "Then why did he cry and say you hit him?"

I froze.

Me: "I don't know."

Well, I got a spanking and got sent to bed. I pretty much decided at that point that I would make a terrible spy.

Not too many years later, my brother and I were playing in the yard. My mom had gone across the street to talk to our neighbor about something and I was supposed to watch my brother. So he's scooting around in the yard and finds.....

an ancient, crusty pile of dog poop. It's so old and crusty that it has turned white. He asked me what it was, and I, being the priss that I was, screamed "EW! GROSS! IT'S OLD DOG POOP DON'T TOUCH IT!" So he did. Of course he did.

Eventually my mom came back (ok it was probably only like 5 minutes but my brother was PLAYING WITH OLD DOG POOP. It seemed like an ETERNITY. So she saw my brother PLAYING IN DOG POOP and asked him what he was doing.

He froze.

Mom: "Why are you playing in that!?"

Him: "She [pointing at me] made me."

I don't really remember what happened after that, but according to my mom I proceeded to FREAK OUT and apparently the intensity of my conniption was convincing enough that my mom knew my brother was a pants-on-fire, poop covered liar.

OK so maybe my mom's not a mind reader but she has a BAD ASS BULLSHIT DETECTOR.

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