Sunday, January 30, 2011

My mother is a goddamned MINDREADER

I still remember the first time I consciously chose to tell a lie.

My brother and I were fighting, I think I was maybe 4 or 5, which would have made him, like, 1 or 2. So he was super little. But he could talk. So maybe 2 and 5. He totally spoke in full sentences when he finally started to talk. In fact, his first sentence was "Whats 'at smell?" so technically his first sentence was a question and we were either driving by the doughnut factory or McDonald's, and I think it was doughnuts but when we told him what the smell was, the next thing he said was "Ah mant some" meaning "I want some" and my mom was all *blank stare* and I am pretty sure we got some doughnuts. Or McDonald's. Whichever.

Anyway, we were fighting in his bedroom and he must have been holding something I wanted because I remember slapping his hands to get him to let go and of course he let go but then he totally started screaming and went and told on me. Of course he did.

My mom and dad told me to come into the kitchen and asked: Did you hit your brother?

Now, I don't remember my thought process. I don't think I had a thought process. I just answered: "No!"

Mom: "Then why did he cry and say you hit him?"

I froze.

Me: "I don't know."

Well, I got a spanking and got sent to bed. I pretty much decided at that point that I would make a terrible spy.

Not too many years later, my brother and I were playing in the yard. My mom had gone across the street to talk to our neighbor about something and I was supposed to watch my brother. So he's scooting around in the yard and finds.....

an ancient, crusty pile of dog poop. It's so old and crusty that it has turned white. He asked me what it was, and I, being the priss that I was, screamed "EW! GROSS! IT'S OLD DOG POOP DON'T TOUCH IT!" So he did. Of course he did.

Eventually my mom came back (ok it was probably only like 5 minutes but my brother was PLAYING WITH OLD DOG POOP. It seemed like an ETERNITY. So she saw my brother PLAYING IN DOG POOP and asked him what he was doing.

He froze.

Mom: "Why are you playing in that!?"

Him: "She [pointing at me] made me."

I don't really remember what happened after that, but according to my mom I proceeded to FREAK OUT and apparently the intensity of my conniption was convincing enough that my mom knew my brother was a pants-on-fire, poop covered liar.

OK so maybe my mom's not a mind reader but she has a BAD ASS BULLSHIT DETECTOR.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Conversations with The Duke

A lot of the time, the Duke and I have ridiculous conversations. I've decided they make for funny (if brief) blog posts. This is the first of what will be, I'm sure, many more:

I call this one "Happy-Fun Things"

me: *reading along* ... Do you want to hear something depressing?

him: No. I don't want to hear depressing things, I want to hear Happy-Fun things.

me: Okay. *continues reading*

him: *staring at me* ... Well? Are you going to tell me?

me: *blinks* Noooo, you said you didn't want to hear depressing things. You said you wanted to hear Happy-Fun things. Why would I tell you depressing things when you said you don't want to hear depressing things?

him: *thinks* But now I'm curious.

me: You're ridiculous. I'm writing this down.

him: Dammit.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Finding my Happy

Inspired by BandBackTogether

So originally, my 2011 resolution was going to be going on a diet. Because, well, I need to. Lots of big changes in my life have led me to lose my equilibrium, and I have put on lots of weight. This makes me SUPER SAD because my weight is something I have always struggled with, and now I weigh more than I ever have. Most of my family members are morbidly obese and suffer from the health problems that go along with it. I am determined to not be that person.

What with grad school, changing jobs, stress, and a ridiculous schedule that made it difficult to have any kind of consistency from a day to day basis, last semester really threw my health into a tailspin. The stress was a good stress (mostly) but I am an emotional eater. NOT GOOD.

SO. I decided I was going to go on South Beach. Then I read everything I would have to give up, and it made me sad, and I was all 'oh, I can just ease into it.' Also, eating the prescribed meal plan was going to cost me beau-coup bucks and I just don't see that happening. Unfortunately, I made the choice to step on my scale today.



I will be doing South Beach on the cheap.

But at the same time as I am changing what I eat I feel like I need to change the way I eat and in order to do that, I am going to have to dig in some deep shit, people.

Get your shovels and your waders, 'cause we're goin' in.

This means I am going to be finding ways to be HAPPY without food. I haven't been Happy in a long time. This isn't going to turn into a diet/exercise blog, because that would be incredibly fucking boring and I wouldn't want to write one, let alone read it. But occasionally, I am going to share with you what is going on, and where I stand, and all that.

Finally, I want to say thanks for letting me be ME. YOU ROCK. And finding my happy has already begun. It began with THIS:

And there are more where that came from.

Monday, January 3, 2011

SO appropriate

^^^ Lookie what I got for Christmas! HELLS TO THE YEAH!!!

I know I haven't been around much, and I have no excuses. It's not like I've been busy; on the contrary, I have basically been a total bum these past few weeks. Which sort of explains why I haven't really felt inspired. I mean, if you don't really leave your apartment for 2 weeks shit is bound to not happen.

BUT that won't be the case for long! Exactly one week from today, I will be starting my internships (2!) and classes will be resuming, and I will be working again, so plenty of ridiculous things are bound to occur and I will have LOTS to entertain you with, my dears.

A few funny things did happen, though. Not enough for a whole blog post each, but too long for tweets. I will compile them here.

1. We bought a Christmas tree, and forgot to water it for, like, 2 days. I remembered and watered it like crazy after that, but the damage had been done. The tree topper actually became too much for the tree and it started to wilt. No kidding. It looked like a limp penis.

(OK after lots of arguing with Paint, I can't make it work. The words say "Limp Penis Tree" heh heh)

2. Sitting in church on Epiphany, I got the giggles. As part of the processional, they had recruited 3 men to play the Kings and bring in their gifts, laying them at the altar, all while the congregation sang "We Three Kings." Now, I don't know if anyone else remembers "Will Vinton's Claymation Christmas," with the singing camels, BUT I DO. This memory makes it hard for me to not giggle during that song anyway, because ALL I can see in my head is those damn camels.

To add to my precarious state, the costumes the men were dressed in were CLEARLY from an earlier decade when people's bellies weren't so, well, big. So King 1's costume was stretched to capacity over his belly, and starting to bunch. And he was grinning like a fool. Not very reverent. Maybe he was the king that had too much to drink on the flight to Bethlehem? Hard to say. King 2 had obviously been roped into this by his wife (one of the pastors) and looked INCREDIBLY nervous, and very uncomfortable. Also? His robe was *just* barely not too long, so he was trying *really* hard not to trip. King 3's costume actually fit, and he also had some acting experience, so he looked very reverent, not goofy, and not awkward. The contrast was almost more than I could bear, so there I sat in the front row, with my head buried in my hymnal wiping tears of laughter off my cheeks. Because, you see, I am kind of friends with King 3 and we usually get the giggles in church anyway, so eye contact was out of the question. And then the chubby Asian acolyte clumped in and just looking at her always makes me giggle so you see, I really struggled to keep my shit together on Sunday.

3. The Duke got a puzzle as a gift from my Mom. It's 2000 pieces. TWO THOUSAND PIECES. I don't know if you know how big that is, but now that I know I wish I didn't know, ya know?

Some other funny shit probably happened too, but of course I can't remember it now.

Also, I got a new camera. And Miss Barfs A Lot is an attention whore. So I leave you with...

Wait for it...