I was driving home from class, and talking to the Duke on the phone (totally legal here, fyi) and I was being way funny and clever and the Duke said I was being a smart ass and threatened to throw a shoe at me.
I thought he might actually do it, just to be funny. So, when I walked into our apartment I flung the door open and jumped back, just in case. He did NOT throw a shoe then, but declared that since I was being such a smart ass that he would after all. So I was laughing hysterically and he whipped his shoe at me which turned out to be a rubber flip flop which is totally not threatening at all so I grabbed it and threw it out into the hallway and tried to shut the door.
He tried to pull the door open, we struggled, and my hand slipped and the metal door cracked me right in the face.
He felt really bad, so bad that he ran to get me some ice and totally forgot that his flip flop was still in the hallway. I was just grateful that I didn't have a broken nose or tooth or something, and now when he threatens to throw shoes at me I just remind him how well that worked out last time.
He's definitely going to throw more shoes at me.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Sunday, January 30, 2011
My mother is a goddamned MINDREADER
I still remember the first time I consciously chose to tell a lie.
My brother and I were fighting, I think I was maybe 4 or 5, which would have made him, like, 1 or 2. So he was super little. But he could talk. So maybe 2 and 5. He totally spoke in full sentences when he finally started to talk. In fact, his first sentence was "Whats 'at smell?" so technically his first sentence was a question and we were either driving by the doughnut factory or McDonald's, and I think it was doughnuts but when we told him what the smell was, the next thing he said was "Ah mant some" meaning "I want some" and my mom was all *blank stare* and I am pretty sure we got some doughnuts. Or McDonald's. Whichever.
Anyway, we were fighting in his bedroom and he must have been holding something I wanted because I remember slapping his hands to get him to let go and of course he let go but then he totally started screaming and went and told on me. Of course he did.
My mom and dad told me to come into the kitchen and asked: Did you hit your brother?
Now, I don't remember my thought process. I don't think I had a thought process. I just answered: "No!"
Mom: "Then why did he cry and say you hit him?"
I froze.
Me: "I don't know."
Well, I got a spanking and got sent to bed. I pretty much decided at that point that I would make a terrible spy.
Not too many years later, my brother and I were playing in the yard. My mom had gone across the street to talk to our neighbor about something and I was supposed to watch my brother. So he's scooting around in the yard and finds.....
an ancient, crusty pile of dog poop. It's so old and crusty that it has turned white. He asked me what it was, and I, being the priss that I was, screamed "EW! GROSS! IT'S OLD DOG POOP DON'T TOUCH IT!" So he did. Of course he did.
Eventually my mom came back (ok it was probably only like 5 minutes but my brother was PLAYING WITH OLD DOG POOP. It seemed like an ETERNITY. So she saw my brother PLAYING IN DOG POOP and asked him what he was doing.
He froze.
Mom: "Why are you playing in that!?"
Him: "She [pointing at me] made me."
I don't really remember what happened after that, but according to my mom I proceeded to FREAK OUT and apparently the intensity of my conniption was convincing enough that my mom knew my brother was a pants-on-fire, poop covered liar.
OK so maybe my mom's not a mind reader but she has a BAD ASS BULLSHIT DETECTOR.
My brother and I were fighting, I think I was maybe 4 or 5, which would have made him, like, 1 or 2. So he was super little. But he could talk. So maybe 2 and 5. He totally spoke in full sentences when he finally started to talk. In fact, his first sentence was "Whats 'at smell?" so technically his first sentence was a question and we were either driving by the doughnut factory or McDonald's, and I think it was doughnuts but when we told him what the smell was, the next thing he said was "Ah mant some" meaning "I want some" and my mom was all *blank stare* and I am pretty sure we got some doughnuts. Or McDonald's. Whichever.
Anyway, we were fighting in his bedroom and he must have been holding something I wanted because I remember slapping his hands to get him to let go and of course he let go but then he totally started screaming and went and told on me. Of course he did.
My mom and dad told me to come into the kitchen and asked: Did you hit your brother?
Now, I don't remember my thought process. I don't think I had a thought process. I just answered: "No!"
Mom: "Then why did he cry and say you hit him?"
I froze.
Me: "I don't know."
Well, I got a spanking and got sent to bed. I pretty much decided at that point that I would make a terrible spy.
Not too many years later, my brother and I were playing in the yard. My mom had gone across the street to talk to our neighbor about something and I was supposed to watch my brother. So he's scooting around in the yard and finds.....
an ancient, crusty pile of dog poop. It's so old and crusty that it has turned white. He asked me what it was, and I, being the priss that I was, screamed "EW! GROSS! IT'S OLD DOG POOP DON'T TOUCH IT!" So he did. Of course he did.
Eventually my mom came back (ok it was probably only like 5 minutes but my brother was PLAYING WITH OLD DOG POOP. It seemed like an ETERNITY. So she saw my brother PLAYING IN DOG POOP and asked him what he was doing.
He froze.
Mom: "Why are you playing in that!?"
Him: "She [pointing at me] made me."
I don't really remember what happened after that, but according to my mom I proceeded to FREAK OUT and apparently the intensity of my conniption was convincing enough that my mom knew my brother was a pants-on-fire, poop covered liar.
OK so maybe my mom's not a mind reader but she has a BAD ASS BULLSHIT DETECTOR.
Tuesday, January 11, 2011
Conversations with The Duke
A lot of the time, the Duke and I have ridiculous conversations. I've decided they make for funny (if brief) blog posts. This is the first of what will be, I'm sure, many more:
I call this one "Happy-Fun Things"
me: *reading along* ... Do you want to hear something depressing?
him: No. I don't want to hear depressing things, I want to hear Happy-Fun things.
me: Okay. *continues reading*
him: *staring at me* ... Well? Are you going to tell me?
me: *blinks* Noooo, you said you didn't want to hear depressing things. You said you wanted to hear Happy-Fun things. Why would I tell you depressing things when you said you don't want to hear depressing things?
him: *thinks* But now I'm curious.
me: You're ridiculous. I'm writing this down.
him: Dammit.
I call this one "Happy-Fun Things"
me: *reading along* ... Do you want to hear something depressing?
him: No. I don't want to hear depressing things, I want to hear Happy-Fun things.
me: Okay. *continues reading*
him: *staring at me* ... Well? Are you going to tell me?
me: *blinks* Noooo, you said you didn't want to hear depressing things. You said you wanted to hear Happy-Fun things. Why would I tell you depressing things when you said you don't want to hear depressing things?
him: *thinks* But now I'm curious.
me: You're ridiculous. I'm writing this down.
him: Dammit.
Thursday, January 6, 2011
Finding my Happy
Inspired by BandBackTogether
So originally, my 2011 resolution was going to be going on a diet. Because, well, I need to. Lots of big changes in my life have led me to lose my equilibrium, and I have put on lots of weight. This makes me SUPER SAD because my weight is something I have always struggled with, and now I weigh more than I ever have. Most of my family members are morbidly obese and suffer from the health problems that go along with it. I am determined to not be that person.
What with grad school, changing jobs, stress, and a ridiculous schedule that made it difficult to have any kind of consistency from a day to day basis, last semester really threw my health into a tailspin. The stress was a good stress (mostly) but I am an emotional eater. NOT GOOD.
SO. I decided I was going to go on South Beach. Then I read everything I would have to give up, and it made me sad, and I was all 'oh, I can just ease into it.' Also, eating the prescribed meal plan was going to cost me beau-coup bucks and I just don't see that happening. Unfortunately, I made the choice to step on my scale today.
WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Fuck.
I will be doing South Beach on the cheap.
But at the same time as I am changing what I eat I feel like I need to change the way I eat and in order to do that, I am going to have to dig in some deep shit, people.
Get your shovels and your waders, 'cause we're goin' in.
This means I am going to be finding ways to be HAPPY without food. I haven't been Happy in a long time. This isn't going to turn into a diet/exercise blog, because that would be incredibly fucking boring and I wouldn't want to write one, let alone read it. But occasionally, I am going to share with you what is going on, and where I stand, and all that.
Finally, I want to say thanks for letting me be ME. YOU ROCK. And finding my happy has already begun. It began with THIS:
And there are more where that came from.
So originally, my 2011 resolution was going to be going on a diet. Because, well, I need to. Lots of big changes in my life have led me to lose my equilibrium, and I have put on lots of weight. This makes me SUPER SAD because my weight is something I have always struggled with, and now I weigh more than I ever have. Most of my family members are morbidly obese and suffer from the health problems that go along with it. I am determined to not be that person.
What with grad school, changing jobs, stress, and a ridiculous schedule that made it difficult to have any kind of consistency from a day to day basis, last semester really threw my health into a tailspin. The stress was a good stress (mostly) but I am an emotional eater. NOT GOOD.
SO. I decided I was going to go on South Beach. Then I read everything I would have to give up, and it made me sad, and I was all 'oh, I can just ease into it.' Also, eating the prescribed meal plan was going to cost me beau-coup bucks and I just don't see that happening. Unfortunately, I made the choice to step on my scale today.
WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK.
Fuck.
I will be doing South Beach on the cheap.
But at the same time as I am changing what I eat I feel like I need to change the way I eat and in order to do that, I am going to have to dig in some deep shit, people.
Get your shovels and your waders, 'cause we're goin' in.
This means I am going to be finding ways to be HAPPY without food. I haven't been Happy in a long time. This isn't going to turn into a diet/exercise blog, because that would be incredibly fucking boring and I wouldn't want to write one, let alone read it. But occasionally, I am going to share with you what is going on, and where I stand, and all that.
Finally, I want to say thanks for letting me be ME. YOU ROCK. And finding my happy has already begun. It began with THIS:
And there are more where that came from.
Monday, January 3, 2011
SO appropriate
^^^ Lookie what I got for Christmas! HELLS TO THE YEAH!!!
I know I haven't been around much, and I have no excuses. It's not like I've been busy; on the contrary, I have basically been a total bum these past few weeks. Which sort of explains why I haven't really felt inspired. I mean, if you don't really leave your apartment for 2 weeks shit is bound to not happen.
BUT that won't be the case for long! Exactly one week from today, I will be starting my internships (2!) and classes will be resuming, and I will be working again, so plenty of ridiculous things are bound to occur and I will have LOTS to entertain you with, my dears.
A few funny things did happen, though. Not enough for a whole blog post each, but too long for tweets. I will compile them here.
1. We bought a Christmas tree, and forgot to water it for, like, 2 days. I remembered and watered it like crazy after that, but the damage had been done. The tree topper actually became too much for the tree and it started to wilt. No kidding. It looked like a limp penis.
(OK after lots of arguing with Paint, I can't make it work. The words say "Limp Penis Tree" heh heh)
2. Sitting in church on Epiphany, I got the giggles. As part of the processional, they had recruited 3 men to play the Kings and bring in their gifts, laying them at the altar, all while the congregation sang "We Three Kings." Now, I don't know if anyone else remembers "Will Vinton's Claymation Christmas," with the singing camels, BUT I DO. This memory makes it hard for me to not giggle during that song anyway, because ALL I can see in my head is those damn camels.
To add to my precarious state, the costumes the men were dressed in were CLEARLY from an earlier decade when people's bellies weren't so, well, big. So King 1's costume was stretched to capacity over his belly, and starting to bunch. And he was grinning like a fool. Not very reverent. Maybe he was the king that had too much to drink on the flight to Bethlehem? Hard to say. King 2 had obviously been roped into this by his wife (one of the pastors) and looked INCREDIBLY nervous, and very uncomfortable. Also? His robe was *just* barely not too long, so he was trying *really* hard not to trip. King 3's costume actually fit, and he also had some acting experience, so he looked very reverent, not goofy, and not awkward. The contrast was almost more than I could bear, so there I sat in the front row, with my head buried in my hymnal wiping tears of laughter off my cheeks. Because, you see, I am kind of friends with King 3 and we usually get the giggles in church anyway, so eye contact was out of the question. And then the chubby Asian acolyte clumped in and just looking at her always makes me giggle so you see, I really struggled to keep my shit together on Sunday.
3. The Duke got a puzzle as a gift from my Mom. It's 2000 pieces. TWO THOUSAND PIECES. I don't know if you know how big that is, but now that I know I wish I didn't know, ya know?
Some other funny shit probably happened too, but of course I can't remember it now.
Also, I got a new camera. And Miss Barfs A Lot is an attention whore. So I leave you with...
Wait for it...
...
THIS:
Friday, December 31, 2010
Because Aunt MothaFuckin' Becky told me to...
And I don't want her to go all Eye of the MothaFuckin' Tiger on my ass. Also because you all still don't know me very well. But I am hoping that in 2011 we can become BFFF. (Best Friends For-Freakin'-ever: See Pineapple Express)
Note: I usually sit on posts for a day or two but not this time. FEEL THE LOVE.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Um... Twitter. And this blog. It's been fun so far. :)
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I resolved not to make any resolutions. WIN. This year I AM making resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Define "close."
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Again, define "close." I will say that my mom's husband Doug died of leukemia earlier this year. Their relationship was this really amazing force in my life, in so many profound and sad ways. I wish I had gotten to know him better. I will write about it, someday. I promise.
5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
My MA, my School Counseling license, my LLPC, maybe even a house and a dog.
6. What countries did you visit?
Sometimes I visit The Land of No Internets.
7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
There are actually two: My mom's wedding day (May 17), and the day Doug died (July 29).
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quitting my job as a waitress/bartender. Best thing I have ever done for myself.
9. What was your biggest failure?
My apartment is always/still messy.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got the flu. I got hit with a line drive playing Church softball, and I still have the bruise (probably bad?)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Umm... Oh! My iPod! :D
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mom's: Mostly her grace and strength.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Passive-aggressive douches on facebook, politicians who seek to polarize and divide, self-righteous religious assholes who judge and alienate others.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. School. Gas.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Me and the Duke started planning a wedding. Don't you get excited, though, no one in my Regular Life knows yet. It's like this great big secret that I CAN'T TELL ANYONE because he wants to get the ring and do the proposal and all AND I CAN'T TELL ANYONE.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Probably Firework by Katy Perry. It just makes me feel so damn good!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
A little of both, I think.
ii. thinner or fatter?
Definitely fatter. But, on the plus side, my boobs are bigger. I hope when I go all healthy in 2011 that my boobs don't go away, because that would make me (and The Duke!) sad.
iii. richer or poorer?
Poorer in money. Richer in joy and love.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Working out. Cleaning.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Umm... Christmas is over. Stay with me, Meme.
21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21. - Aunt Becky
I don't know why either. I won't make up my own question like she did, though, I'll think of it like Free Parking in Monopoly. A question where I don't really have to answer a question. Thanks, Meme!
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Um... Like I said, Meme, stay with me.
23. How many one-night stands?
I plead the 5th. (read: 0)
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Parenthood. That show is awesome. And Jerseylicious. I feel better about myself when I watch that show. Also Clean House, because it motivates me to clean my own house.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't really hate anyone, but there are lots of people who annoy me. I try to stay the hell away from them.
26. What was the best book you read?
I read too many to pick a favorite. But I really liked Touching the Holy by Robert J. Wicks.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Well I learned about Mumford & Sons, and Florence & the Machine, and Hem. But I learned about all of them from Pandora.
28. What did you want and get?
A different job.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Despicable Me. It might be the only new 'film' I saw.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I got ditched by my so-called friends. And I turned 28.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Uh... What?
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Um... I was more worried about having clothes still fit than my "personal fashion concept." The idea of having a "personal fashion concept" just sounds pretentious.
34. What kept you sane?
The Duke. He is amazing.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
What kinds of questions are these?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I try not to talk politics on my blog, meme. Why are you fucking with me?
37. Who did you miss?
I am trying to keep things positive here, and if I answer this question my efforts will totally be for naught. I do not answer this question.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
A girl named Katie. She is the shit. Also, all of you! I love that you allow me to speak my mind and be myself, and that you aren't judging me. Maybe you are. But you allow it anyway! I love it.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes there are people in our lives that we just need to cut loose, because all they do is bring us down. I think I did a pretty good job of that this year.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I will use the same song I closed my Christmas letter with: Seasons of Love, from Rent. It's paraphrased a little bit, forgive me.
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee,
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes how do you measure a year in the life?
525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes, how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
It's time now to sing out, tho' the story never ends,
let’s celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends!
Remember the love! Seasons of love!
Oh you got to got to remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
share love, give love, spread love, measure your life in LOVE.
Note: I usually sit on posts for a day or two but not this time. FEEL THE LOVE.
1. What did you do in 2010 that you’d never done before?
Um... Twitter. And this blog. It's been fun so far. :)
2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I resolved not to make any resolutions. WIN. This year I AM making resolutions.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Define "close."
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Again, define "close." I will say that my mom's husband Doug died of leukemia earlier this year. Their relationship was this really amazing force in my life, in so many profound and sad ways. I wish I had gotten to know him better. I will write about it, someday. I promise.
5. What would you like to have in 2011 that you lacked in 2010?
My MA, my School Counseling license, my LLPC, maybe even a house and a dog.
6. What countries did you visit?
Sometimes I visit The Land of No Internets.
7. What date from 2010 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:
There are actually two: My mom's wedding day (May 17), and the day Doug died (July 29).
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Quitting my job as a waitress/bartender. Best thing I have ever done for myself.
9. What was your biggest failure?
My apartment is always/still messy.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
I got the flu. I got hit with a line drive playing Church softball, and I still have the bruise (probably bad?)
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Umm... Oh! My iPod! :D
12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
My mom's: Mostly her grace and strength.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
Passive-aggressive douches on facebook, politicians who seek to polarize and divide, self-righteous religious assholes who judge and alienate others.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent. School. Gas.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Me and the Duke started planning a wedding. Don't you get excited, though, no one in my Regular Life knows yet. It's like this great big secret that I CAN'T TELL ANYONE because he wants to get the ring and do the proposal and all AND I CAN'T TELL ANYONE.
16. What song will always remind you of 2010?
Probably Firework by Katy Perry. It just makes me feel so damn good!
17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder?
A little of both, I think.
ii. thinner or fatter?
Definitely fatter. But, on the plus side, my boobs are bigger. I hope when I go all healthy in 2011 that my boobs don't go away, because that would make me (and The Duke!) sad.
iii. richer or poorer?
Poorer in money. Richer in joy and love.
18. What do you wish you’d done more of?
Working out. Cleaning.
19. What do you wish you’d done less of?
Worrying.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Umm... Christmas is over. Stay with me, Meme.
21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21. - Aunt Becky
I don't know why either. I won't make up my own question like she did, though, I'll think of it like Free Parking in Monopoly. A question where I don't really have to answer a question. Thanks, Meme!
22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
Um... Like I said, Meme, stay with me.
23. How many one-night stands?
I plead the 5th. (read: 0)
24. What was your favorite TV program?
Parenthood. That show is awesome. And Jerseylicious. I feel better about myself when I watch that show. Also Clean House, because it motivates me to clean my own house.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?
I don't really hate anyone, but there are lots of people who annoy me. I try to stay the hell away from them.
26. What was the best book you read?
I read too many to pick a favorite. But I really liked Touching the Holy by Robert J. Wicks.
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Well I learned about Mumford & Sons, and Florence & the Machine, and Hem. But I learned about all of them from Pandora.
28. What did you want and get?
A different job.
30. What was your favorite film of this year?
Despicable Me. It might be the only new 'film' I saw.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I got ditched by my so-called friends. And I turned 28.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Uh... What?
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2010?
Um... I was more worried about having clothes still fit than my "personal fashion concept." The idea of having a "personal fashion concept" just sounds pretentious.
34. What kept you sane?
The Duke. He is amazing.
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
What kinds of questions are these?
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
I try not to talk politics on my blog, meme. Why are you fucking with me?
37. Who did you miss?
I am trying to keep things positive here, and if I answer this question my efforts will totally be for naught. I do not answer this question.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
A girl named Katie. She is the shit. Also, all of you! I love that you allow me to speak my mind and be myself, and that you aren't judging me. Maybe you are. But you allow it anyway! I love it.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2010:
Sometimes there are people in our lives that we just need to cut loose, because all they do is bring us down. I think I did a pretty good job of that this year.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I will use the same song I closed my Christmas letter with: Seasons of Love, from Rent. It's paraphrased a little bit, forgive me.
525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear.
525,600 minutes, how do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee,
in inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.
In 525,600 minutes how do you measure a year in the life?
525,600 minutes, 525,000 journeys to plan.
525,600 minutes, how do you measure the life of a woman or a man?
In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.
In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.
It's time now to sing out, tho' the story never ends,
let’s celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends!
Remember the love! Seasons of love!
Oh you got to got to remember the love!
You know that love is a gift from up above
share love, give love, spread love, measure your life in LOVE.
Wednesday, December 29, 2010
Twitter is totally fucking with me.
Twitter says I am similar to the following people:
Ryan Seacrest
Larry King
The Daver
Alison Sweeney
Ross Mathews
thepioneerwoman
G6scrapped
People magazine
barefootfoodie
Nick Kroll
Christine Lakin
Vagina Rants
and...
Levar Burton
Also, it won't show me the suggestions of who I should follow. Which is total bullshit.
Ryan Seacrest
Larry King
The Daver
Alison Sweeney
Ross Mathews
thepioneerwoman
G6scrapped
People magazine
barefootfoodie
Nick Kroll
Christine Lakin
Vagina Rants
and...
Levar Burton
Also, it won't show me the suggestions of who I should follow. Which is total bullshit.
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