Because Aunt Becky told me to.

and I have no creativity. None. It has all been sucked out of me by looking for jobs. Looking for jobs is exhausting, and I tried to take a nap between that and this but the Duke wouldn't share the blankets. So I will play on the internet some more. And do this meme. Which I think I did last year, too. BECAUSE AUNT BECKY TOLD ME TO HERE

1. What did you do in 2011 that you’d never done before?

I graduated from grad school, which I think is a pretty big fuckin' deal.

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

Doubtful. I don't even remember if I made one, so how would I know if I kept it? I think I will resolve to stop making resolutions that I won't keep, because that's just depressing.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Um, no. And that's good, I like people to keep their distance from me while they are having babies. Far away like at a hospital with trained professionals where I won't be told to get hot water or clean towels or have to cut any cords.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Not exactly, but three people I knew died of cancer, which is TOTAL bullshit.

5. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011?

A big kid job, where they pay me and then I can afford to pay my bills and fix my car and buy groceries. You know, the finer things in life.

6. What countries did you visit?

The United States. And the land of no internet. And the Upper Peninsula. Trust me, it's another country.

7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

What? Probably my graduation date, because I will have to look it up a lot. But I don't know it right now.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

See #1. Also I worked out a lot more than I expected. So there's that.

9. What was your biggest failure?

I am pretty sure I have some laundry at the bottom of the basket that I just never washed, because I always run out of quarters and then I had to prioritize, you know? Maybe that can be my resolution for next year, to do ALL the laundry.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

I stubbed my toe. A lot. Then one time I had a bit of an ingrown toenail and I stubbed THAT toe, which made me cry.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Coffee mug warmer. My office at my internship was FREEZING, but my coffee was always toasty! Also parts for my car, so that it still runs. And food, I really like food.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

... I worked with stressed out teenagers and children whose lives basically sucked. The fact that they showed up to school and gave it their best effort was, to me, a daily miracle. My students always blew me away.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Politicians. Shitty parents. Bullies.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Bills, dude. I spent the first part of the year a broke intern, and the second part basically unemployed.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Shoes. Sparkly pink heels, y'all. They are **FABULOUS** Also the Hobbit trailer.

16. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Katy Perry - ET.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Def sadder. Being underemployed blows.

ii. thinner or fatter? Well, I got fatter and then I got thinner, but I think compared to last year at this time, about the same. But let's just go with thinner, because it makes me feel good.

iii. richer or poorer? I am not ashamed to say I know the meaning of the word BROKE on a whole new level.

*here is where Aunt Becky took some liberties, and imma play along:

Okay, Meme, let me take a stab at that:

i) more or less like Justin Beaver - more. I whine more now than I did before.

ii) more or less likely to decide inanimate objects looked like boobs - more, because obviously. Also penises.

iii) more or less likely to watch Glee – I still freakin' hate that show.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Naps. I could have totally taken more naps. ANd walks on the beach. And sunsets. And yoga.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Facebook. What a waste of time. And cleaning.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

I got to spend it at home, in my jammies. Basically I'm just glad it's over.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

In my world, that is like free parking, or the middle BINGO square. I don't have to answer any questions. Thanks, meme!

22. Did you fall in love in 2011?

Um, sure. I fell in love with my career. Does it still count as a career if I don't actually have a job? Imma say yes, because it makes me feel better.

23. How many one-night stands?

None, unless you count that dream about LL Cool J (dude, I don't know. Yes, I know it's not 1989).

24. What was your favorite TV program?

Covert Affairs. I love me some Auggie. Oh! And Necessary Roughness.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

All the Republican candidates running for the nomination. Seriously y'all, I'm scared out of my wits.

26. What was the best book you read?

BEST book... Probably Water for Elephants. Or Abundance. Both very, very entertaining. But I read a lot of books I forgot about, so that's hardly fair.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Being that I am not in the "biz" and merely a consumer of music, I don't discover anything but merely benefit from other's discoveries, like Columbus. I did find out about lp, and bon iver. Pistol Annies was formed, and that makes me happy.

28. What did you want and get?

My Masters Degree. And my crackberry. I do love that little thing...

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Harry Potter. Because I am 13.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 29, and I stayed the fuck home. And it was amazing.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

A job. (I'm noticing a pattern here.)

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011?

I could not get that Target back-to-school song about denim out of my head.

34. What kept you sane?

Washing dishes. Totally mindless and never-ending.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Ryan Reynolds. He is just lovely. And the Allstate Mayhem dude.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Well let's not get TOO serious, here.

37. Who did you miss?

Well now this is just getting depressing!

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Little old woman in my Bible study. I realize how weird that sounds, but she says some funny shit.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011:

Practice Gratitude.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

"Did I shave my legs for this?"

—————-

Not All Who Wander are Lost.

It's time I started this up again.

I first began when I had a lot of free time, and a lot of frustration, and eventually I just kind of gave up. I got busy and I felt like it wasn't worth the energy and effort.

Now, I realize that I just miss writing. It doesn't matter if anyone does or doesn't read it, doesn't matter if anyone thinks I am funny or clever or completely irresistible, this blog is really for me, and if it speaks to someone out there then that will just be the icing on the cupcake.

So, Welcome Back, Me. I missed you :)

My first black eye

I was driving home from class, and talking to the Duke on the phone (totally legal here, fyi) and I was being way funny and clever and the Duke said I was being a smart ass and threatened to throw a shoe at me.

I thought he might actually do it, just to be funny. So, when I walked into our apartment I flung the door open and jumped back, just in case. He did NOT throw a shoe then, but declared that since I was being such a smart ass that he would after all. So I was laughing hysterically and he whipped his shoe at me which turned out to be a rubber flip flop which is totally not threatening at all so I grabbed it and threw it out into the hallway and tried to shut the door.

He tried to pull the door open, we struggled, and my hand slipped and the metal door cracked me right in the face.

He felt really bad, so bad that he ran to get me some ice and totally forgot that his flip flop was still in the hallway. I was just grateful that I didn't have a broken nose or tooth or something, and now when he threatens to throw shoes at me I just remind him how well that worked out last time.

He's definitely going to throw more shoes at me.

My mother is a goddamned MINDREADER

I still remember the first time I consciously chose to tell a lie.

My brother and I were fighting, I think I was maybe 4 or 5, which would have made him, like, 1 or 2. So he was super little. But he could talk. So maybe 2 and 5. He totally spoke in full sentences when he finally started to talk. In fact, his first sentence was "Whats 'at smell?" so technically his first sentence was a question and we were either driving by the doughnut factory or McDonald's, and I think it was doughnuts but when we told him what the smell was, the next thing he said was "Ah mant some" meaning "I want some" and my mom was all *blank stare* and I am pretty sure we got some doughnuts. Or McDonald's. Whichever.

Anyway, we were fighting in his bedroom and he must have been holding something I wanted because I remember slapping his hands to get him to let go and of course he let go but then he totally started screaming and went and told on me. Of course he did.

My mom and dad told me to come into the kitchen and asked: Did you hit your brother?

Now, I don't remember my thought process. I don't think I had a thought process. I just answered: "No!"

Mom: "Then why did he cry and say you hit him?"

I froze.

Me: "I don't know."

Well, I got a spanking and got sent to bed. I pretty much decided at that point that I would make a terrible spy.

Not too many years later, my brother and I were playing in the yard. My mom had gone across the street to talk to our neighbor about something and I was supposed to watch my brother. So he's scooting around in the yard and finds.....

an ancient, crusty pile of dog poop. It's so old and crusty that it has turned white. He asked me what it was, and I, being the priss that I was, screamed "EW! GROSS! IT'S OLD DOG POOP DON'T TOUCH IT!" So he did. Of course he did.

Eventually my mom came back (ok it was probably only like 5 minutes but my brother was PLAYING WITH OLD DOG POOP. It seemed like an ETERNITY. So she saw my brother PLAYING IN DOG POOP and asked him what he was doing.

He froze.

Mom: "Why are you playing in that!?"

Him: "She [pointing at me] made me."

I don't really remember what happened after that, but according to my mom I proceeded to FREAK OUT and apparently the intensity of my conniption was convincing enough that my mom knew my brother was a pants-on-fire, poop covered liar.

OK so maybe my mom's not a mind reader but she has a BAD ASS BULLSHIT DETECTOR.

Conversations with The Duke

A lot of the time, the Duke and I have ridiculous conversations. I've decided they make for funny (if brief) blog posts. This is the first of what will be, I'm sure, many more:

I call this one "Happy-Fun Things"

me: *reading along* ... Do you want to hear something depressing?

him: No. I don't want to hear depressing things, I want to hear Happy-Fun things.

me: Okay. *continues reading*

him: *staring at me* ... Well? Are you going to tell me?

me: *blinks* Noooo, you said you didn't want to hear depressing things. You said you wanted to hear Happy-Fun things. Why would I tell you depressing things when you said you don't want to hear depressing things?

him: *thinks* But now I'm curious.

me: You're ridiculous. I'm writing this down.

him: Dammit.

Finding my Happy

Inspired by BandBackTogether

So originally, my 2011 resolution was going to be going on a diet. Because, well, I need to. Lots of big changes in my life have led me to lose my equilibrium, and I have put on lots of weight. This makes me SUPER SAD because my weight is something I have always struggled with, and now I weigh more than I ever have. Most of my family members are morbidly obese and suffer from the health problems that go along with it. I am determined to not be that person.

What with grad school, changing jobs, stress, and a ridiculous schedule that made it difficult to have any kind of consistency from a day to day basis, last semester really threw my health into a tailspin. The stress was a good stress (mostly) but I am an emotional eater. NOT GOOD.

SO. I decided I was going to go on South Beach. Then I read everything I would have to give up, and it made me sad, and I was all 'oh, I can just ease into it.' Also, eating the prescribed meal plan was going to cost me beau-coup bucks and I just don't see that happening. Unfortunately, I made the choice to step on my scale today.

WHAT THE MOTHERFUCKING FUCKER FUCK FUCK FUCK.

Fuck.

I will be doing South Beach on the cheap.

But at the same time as I am changing what I eat I feel like I need to change the way I eat and in order to do that, I am going to have to dig in some deep shit, people.

Get your shovels and your waders, 'cause we're goin' in.

This means I am going to be finding ways to be HAPPY without food. I haven't been Happy in a long time. This isn't going to turn into a diet/exercise blog, because that would be incredibly fucking boring and I wouldn't want to write one, let alone read it. But occasionally, I am going to share with you what is going on, and where I stand, and all that.

Finally, I want to say thanks for letting me be ME. YOU ROCK. And finding my happy has already begun. It began with THIS:





And there are more where that came from.

SO appropriate

^^^ Lookie what I got for Christmas! HELLS TO THE YEAH!!!

I know I haven't been around much, and I have no excuses. It's not like I've been busy; on the contrary, I have basically been a total bum these past few weeks. Which sort of explains why I haven't really felt inspired. I mean, if you don't really leave your apartment for 2 weeks shit is bound to not happen.

BUT that won't be the case for long! Exactly one week from today, I will be starting my internships (2!) and classes will be resuming, and I will be working again, so plenty of ridiculous things are bound to occur and I will have LOTS to entertain you with, my dears.

A few funny things did happen, though. Not enough for a whole blog post each, but too long for tweets. I will compile them here.



1. We bought a Christmas tree, and forgot to water it for, like, 2 days. I remembered and watered it like crazy after that, but the damage had been done. The tree topper actually became too much for the tree and it started to wilt. No kidding. It looked like a limp penis.

(OK after lots of arguing with Paint, I can't make it work. The words say "Limp Penis Tree" heh heh)











2. Sitting in church on Epiphany, I got the giggles. As part of the processional, they had recruited 3 men to play the Kings and bring in their gifts, laying them at the altar, all while the congregation sang "We Three Kings." Now, I don't know if anyone else remembers "Will Vinton's Claymation Christmas," with the singing camels, BUT I DO. This memory makes it hard for me to not giggle during that song anyway, because ALL I can see in my head is those damn camels.



To add to my precarious state, the costumes the men were dressed in were CLEARLY from an earlier decade when people's bellies weren't so, well, big. So King 1's costume was stretched to capacity over his belly, and starting to bunch. And he was grinning like a fool. Not very reverent. Maybe he was the king that had too much to drink on the flight to Bethlehem? Hard to say. King 2 had obviously been roped into this by his wife (one of the pastors) and looked INCREDIBLY nervous, and very uncomfortable. Also? His robe was *just* barely not too long, so he was trying *really* hard not to trip. King 3's costume actually fit, and he also had some acting experience, so he looked very reverent, not goofy, and not awkward. The contrast was almost more than I could bear, so there I sat in the front row, with my head buried in my hymnal wiping tears of laughter off my cheeks. Because, you see, I am kind of friends with King 3 and we usually get the giggles in church anyway, so eye contact was out of the question. And then the chubby Asian acolyte clumped in and just looking at her always makes me giggle so you see, I really struggled to keep my shit together on Sunday.

3. The Duke got a puzzle as a gift from my Mom. It's 2000 pieces. TWO THOUSAND PIECES. I don't know if you know how big that is, but now that I know I wish I didn't know, ya know?

Some other funny shit probably happened too, but of course I can't remember it now.

Also, I got a new camera. And Miss Barfs A Lot is an attention whore. So I leave you with...


Wait for it...


...


THIS: